His Beautiful Life

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

tomorrow.



i saw Jason tonight. at the viewing. and i lost it. I knew i was going to be upset, i knew i didnt want to see him and be forced to face reality but i did it. And honestly it was worse than i could have even imagined. He just laid there. holding his hands. eyes shut, with the air vent blowing above him, moving his shirt- like he was really breathing- like he would open his eyes at any second and jump out and yell GOTCHA. but it never happened. For nearly 3 hours tonight i greeted many friends and family who came to pay their respects and i even found myself discouraging many from even going into the room he was in. I have never ever ever faced something more difficult than staring at my little brother as he lay in his own coffin. and the worst part is I have to do it again tomorrow. then go to his funeral. then to his burial. I know last Tuesday night was hard and devestating and I thought nothing could compare to the moment I found out. but tonight compares, tomorrow morning will compare and there is quite a good chance that tomorrow afternoon will surpass the pain i have felt so far.

I am sitting here trying to decide if I am strong enough to speak at the funeral. to share with everyone what i loved so much about him. what i will miss about him. And i can do that so well here on this blog. But i don't know if i can do it tomorrow. speak when i want to cry. Share his life when i now want to die. I want to prepare something and have it with me just in case. maybe hold Brian's hand and attempt to take the stand. but i need the right words, i want it to be perfect. the very last time i will ever see my brother is tomorrow. the very last time i will ever get to talk to him face to face is tomorrow. i want it to be perfect.

im so scared.

4 comments:

  1. Miss Kelsey.... This breaks my heart, loosing someone you love is so incredibly difficult and loosing someone so early in life can be heart breaking.. No matter what you decide to do tomorrow will be perfect because God will stand becide you and give you the strength that you need to see this through.. I promise, our God will NEVER leave YOU.. He is beside you now and will be there always!

    Know that I am praying for each of you, and I know that God will take care of your pain...

    Dear Heavenly Father, I come to you and lift the Self family up to you, I know that through your amazing Grace, You will give each of them the strength they need to get not only through tomorrow but each day until they see Jason again.. I pray that you wrap your loving arms around this family and hold them tightly. I pray that you wisper a great peace and ease their pain...

    Much love, praying for you always...

    Tammy Elston

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  2. I don't know you personally, but I've seen you dance sooo many times. I know nothing any of us can say can make your pain go away, but remember Jason will always be with you no matter where you go...he will always be there. You're in my prayers Kelsey.

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  3. The hardest part of losing a loved one is saying Goodbye... I know, i lost my mother 3 yrs ago, and to this day there is not a moment I don't talk to her... I see so many beautiful things that hold so many memories and I smile, laugh and even cry alot... today Wed, will be very hard because it's a moment you just see in a haze and wish it was not so... Kelsey whatever you relay today to all of Jason's family and friends will be such beautiful words and so from the heart... do not worry of how they are said, everyone who knew and loved jason will understand and know just what you are saying...
    Dear Heavenly Father.... Hold this dear family with loving arms so grand... guide them thru this most difficult moment of any givin person... let them know Jason is upon your grand garden and well loved and taken care of... He is home now and knowing he smiles with love and gratitude for all the love his family places in their hearts for him... let his family know one day, they will meet upon each other again upon your glorious love.... in Gods Name we pray, Amen

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  4. i love you Kels :)

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