Tuesday, March 16, 2010
i saw Jason tonight. at the viewing. and i lost it. I knew i was going to be upset, i knew i didnt want to see him and be forced to face reality but i did it. And honestly it was worse than i could have even imagined. He just laid there. holding his hands. eyes shut, with the air vent blowing above him, moving his shirt- like he was really breathing- like he would open his eyes at any second and jump out and yell GOTCHA. but it never happened. For nearly 3 hours tonight i greeted many friends and family who came to pay their respects and i even found myself discouraging many from even going into the room he was in. I have never ever ever faced something more difficult than staring at my little brother as he lay in his own coffin. and the worst part is I have to do it again tomorrow. then go to his funeral. then to his burial. I know last Tuesday night was hard and devestating and I thought nothing could compare to the moment I found out. but tonight compares, tomorrow morning will compare and there is quite a good chance that tomorrow afternoon will surpass the pain i have felt so far.
I am sitting here trying to decide if I am strong enough to speak at the funeral. to share with everyone what i loved so much about him. what i will miss about him. And i can do that so well here on this blog. But i don't know if i can do it tomorrow. speak when i want to cry. Share his life when i now want to die. I want to prepare something and have it with me just in case. maybe hold Brian's hand and attempt to take the stand. but i need the right words, i want it to be perfect. the very last time i will ever see my brother is tomorrow. the very last time i will ever get to talk to him face to face is tomorrow. i want it to be perfect.
im so scared.