His Beautiful Life

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Wonder

I wonder what you are doing up there, in the land so pure and beautiful. It is right where you belong. Right where you needed to be. And I do often hate how selfish I feel for wanting you here by my side because I know He needed you. But, so very often I end up pinching myself because it still doesn't seem like it can be real. Just yesterday a song was playing on the radio at a restaurant and I was overcome with sadness and disbelief. Yet, somehow I laughed at the jokes and smiled, trying not to cause discomfort to those I was with.

It is easier now, to talk about you and think about you, to see your photos and retrace those memories. but there are times, like now, when I just cannot believe it is true. I cannot believe that I never will physically see you again. I wonder what you would look like right now at 23 years old. Would you have found someone to love? Would you be living on your own? Where would you be working? I wonder if you would be finishing up school. If you still wanted to shop at the Buckle, or if Brian and his new fondness of preppy clothes would have rubbed off on you. I wonder if you would have gotten chubby like most guys do or if you would have found some young kids to show all of your wrestling secrets to.

When I google you... your obituary comes up. It is horrifying, but I will say you look handsome in your photo. However, I wish it was just your photo that came on the screen by its self. Unaccompanied by the tale of your short life.

I know for a fact if you were here with me right now you would be trying to get all of the single Thunder Girls phone numbers and asking me all kinds of crazy questions. You would be inviting me to lunch, then slyly pushing the check my direction. But I would pay for every single meal of yours forever if you were only here to eat them.

Lately I have been thinking of ways to get involved and provide some encouragement to people trying to better themselves from substance abuse problems. I think your story is so touching and I wish to share it. to help someone. to save some sister out there from losing her little brother. But I haven't figured out just how yet. But a pretty powerful opportunity presented its self to me just the other day, and I wonder if you sent it to me. A new age way of sharing the Gospel using my artistic talents. I spoke of you and how I turned to scripture to help me through the pain of losing you and I will now get to make a video telling that story through dance. And it has the possibility to be seen by nearly 20,000 people. And what I hope to share is that every one faces trials and tribulations and that we should do our absolute best to encourage our peers and help them overcome their demons. And it may not always work, but the effort, the decision to try is the one that matters most.

Everyday I think, If only I would have said this or done that or went there and called then, you might still be here next to me. I might not be writing these stories. I might not be crying these tears. But through all of this I have found strength in myself and also acceptance for others. I have learned to judge less and listen more. I have learned that I can be a resource for people effected by the loss of someone so important to them. I can show them ways to find joy in your salvation and while still feeling helpless and questioning, show that there is the ability to smile, to laugh, to remember without feeling guilty.

We threw dad a reunion party for all of his former teammates... your teammates. And it was so special to see all of the people who came. I could tell it really meant a lot to dad. And I could feel so much love for you the entire night. We are all so lucky to have loved you. and been loved by you. It has been 1 year and 2 days shy of 5 months, and Brian and I are doing really cool things. And I know there is not one new opportunity to arise without either of us wishing you were here to share it with.

I miss you more with each day. and love you even more than that. Still, I am so proud of you.
You are always on my mind and in my heart and always with us.

xoxo

The Lord is near the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalms 34:18
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