His Beautiful Life

Monday, March 22, 2010

mising him.

It seems as though some progress has been made over the past 4 days. I don't cry as often and I find myself able to smile again- which i can't help but feel guilty for. This situation is one I have never experienced before. My brothers funeral was the only funeral I have been too (with the exception of my grandpas but i was three so i don't think it counts). But i do think we have began the initial stages of "coping". I do worry about my mom though, she is still as emotional as two weeks ago, its so hard to see her so sad. I hate it, but I know the pain of loosing a brother- I cannot imagine that of loosing a son.

Tonight at dinner with Brett's family, he was talking about shooting guns and how fun it would be to take my brother with him. Seems nice right-except all i could focus on was the singular use of the word brother. My heart stopped, eyes watered, my smile and laugh simmered and my stomach hurt. All of a sudden i was back to that feeling of hurt and sadness. I only have one brother now. Jason can no longer shoot guns or go to movies or eat dinner with me. The reality grows more and more with each memory of him I come across.

I saw She's out of my League tonight and the entire time i laughed and thought man he would love this movie so much, he would quote this or quote that. I will never get to hear him do it though. its so hard to except that.

School starts back tomorrow and I am thankful for timing, as I had spring break to deal with my emotions- however I feel like i'm supposed to speed up my mourning process and jump back into my life like its normal, like its going right back to how it was two weeks ago. I have to go and sit in the classroom i ran out of as soon as I found out. The last thing I want to do is relive that moment and until May 15, I must go every single week.

I have been leaning and my family and friends and God and I know with time we will all be OK. I just wish i didnt feel like i HAVE to be OK, starting tomorrow...

on a lighter note... Mom let me borrow her mink.

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