Broken

I don't know what it is about tonight, the weather, lack of sleep, or choice of tv, but tonight has certainly been the hardest night to get through in months. crying to the point where I had to cover my mouth with a pillow, then move rooms so I wouldn't wake anyone up. But I just need my little brother tonight. I need him every night. And I cant have him. And I have to go through this very same thought process, not just for a little while, but for forever. Every birthday, holiday, sunny day, rainy day, every day when I wear something I know you would think was crazy, every day when Kyler's name appears on my facebook news feed. And I don't mind when my eyes are swollen and burning from crying too hard for too long but I can't quit asking why I even have to be crying. Why do I even have to be missing you. Why do I even have to call your cell phone to hear your voice. Why cant I just talk to you? Why can't you talk back? Hug back? Be here? I still just don't see why. March 9 2010 was nearly a year ago. An entire year. And I think I probably saw you a year ago today. Or yesterday or tomorrow. You probably convinced dad into giving you some kind of date money for Valentines or a movie you and your house boys needed to see. And I remember March 9. So much so that I try to forget and I can't. And still I cant believe it's been almost a year. And on March 9 2011 we will say it's been 1 year and in 2012 it will have been 2 years and in 2013 it will have been 3. And the hardest part is thinking that we have to do this every year until I can't count anymore. You aren't coming back. No matter how many 11:11s I wish on or pennies I throw in a fountain. And I just still can't grasp that that is the truth. I still can't help but ask why?

changing.

About a month ago I checked my email like I normally do every hour or so, but this day my inbox had a special message waiting for me. A girl stumbled across my blog and decided to message me. She hadn't lost her brother like I had, but instead she had two brothers currently alive and healthy. She just wanted to let me know that I had touched her to point the she wanted to be a better sister. To be able to make the most of the moments she can still have to spend with her brothers and family because like most of us do, she had been taking for granted the fact they live so close to one another and rarely see each other. Sometimes a phone call of text message is just not enough.

I haven't made a blog post in quite some time but this email gave me some inspiration to document more of my coping. And missing and loving and tears. of joy and of pain.

Thanksgiving is this week and Christmas just around the corner. This is a special time of year for our family. A time where we are all together and even though we may not be doing anything more than playing with our dogs or watching a christmas movie our parents are forcing us to sit through, its a time we all could count on and look forward to each year.

This year will be the first of many very different and difficult holidays to come. Playing cards at Papa Sue and Papa Clayton's house will always be a moment when i can picture Jason sitting on a chair at the corner of the table, cracking jokes and smiling and trying to beat everyone to a Jubile. And when papa Clayton lets all of us grandkids play for all of his money, I don't think i will even want to compete.

I thought you might be lonely, so dad and I brought fall festivities to you out by the water. Im sure your pumpkin is spoiled by now and your flowers dead, but I know you and Smokey can plug your noses and just laugh. I am still so overcome with sadness. And miss you entirely too much for my heart to handle. And even though its now nearly December, my memories with and of you have only grown stronger.


I have so many things to tell you and show you and so many places I wish i could take you. And One day... we will do it all. I know it.

More posts to come.

I hate that forever is forever

Your birthday is next week. You turn 22. And I don't know if I'm supposed to get you a present. Or a card. Or take flowers to your grave. Do I sing you happy birthday? Do I leave you a voicemail or write on your Facebook page? Because I can't give you a hug or a high five or birthday spankings. I can't watch you open presents or eat birthday cake. I can't buy you lunch. I can't even see you. Forever. I can't even see you forever. And I drive in my car everyday and torture myself by listening to sad songs. Or your favorite songs. Just so i can feel you some how. I cry. I cry so much. Because I love you so much. And I miss you so much. And I need you so much. We all do.
It has been just over three months since we lost you. And it feels like an eternity. The days are longer. The skies more grey. And so many things remind me of you. For which I'm thankful and resentfull at the same time.
It took me three months to get enough courage to go to your grave. Three months. And I will admit that the moment I turned my car into the cemetery I cried as hard and as loud and as long as I did back on March 9. I just laid in the grass, nearly hyperventilating, my emotions had taken over me so strongly. I haven't been back since then either. It doesn't feel beautiful or peaceful or a place of mourning. It felt terrifying and real. And I know it's real. I still don't want it to be. I wish there was still a chance. For a miracle. For anything. But I know there's not. It's really forever.
One night I was thinking about how one day I will have my own kids. Kids who will never know you. Never know their uncle Jason. And I see uncle Randy now, more often than ever before and he reminds me so much of you that it stings sometimes. Your voice is the same. You ask the same kinds of questions and get excited the same way. And he is so cute with maddie. I bet you would have been such a great dad, just like he is.

I love you. Be with me always.

Happiness. feels a lot like sorrow.

I have taught this combination twice now, and each time I have broken down. crying. everyone cried along with me as well, either for my story or a story of their own buried within. The song Happiness is one my brother Brian and I chose to be played at Jason's funeral. the lyrics say what i want to say, It will be three weeks tomorrow that he passed away. And for a moment last week things seemed to get easier. no crying in fact for two days in a row, then Thursday day night in dance it all caught back up with me. I cried enough their to make up for those two then cried on my way home then again at home on the couch then again in the bath. And while i have never considered myself to be a crier... sometimes we just need to cry. to feel the way we want to feel. because its OK to not be OK.

Happiness, feels a lot like sorrow
Let it be
You can't make it come or go
But you are gone
Not for good, but for now
But gone for now, feels a lot like gone for good.

mising him.

It seems as though some progress has been made over the past 4 days. I don't cry as often and I find myself able to smile again- which i can't help but feel guilty for. This situation is one I have never experienced before. My brothers funeral was the only funeral I have been too (with the exception of my grandpas but i was three so i don't think it counts). But i do think we have began the initial stages of "coping". I do worry about my mom though, she is still as emotional as two weeks ago, its so hard to see her so sad. I hate it, but I know the pain of loosing a brother- I cannot imagine that of loosing a son.

Tonight at dinner with Brett's family, he was talking about shooting guns and how fun it would be to take my brother with him. Seems nice right-except all i could focus on was the singular use of the word brother. My heart stopped, eyes watered, my smile and laugh simmered and my stomach hurt. All of a sudden i was back to that feeling of hurt and sadness. I only have one brother now. Jason can no longer shoot guns or go to movies or eat dinner with me. The reality grows more and more with each memory of him I come across.

I saw She's out of my League tonight and the entire time i laughed and thought man he would love this movie so much, he would quote this or quote that. I will never get to hear him do it though. its so hard to except that.

School starts back tomorrow and I am thankful for timing, as I had spring break to deal with my emotions- however I feel like i'm supposed to speed up my mourning process and jump back into my life like its normal, like its going right back to how it was two weeks ago. I have to go and sit in the classroom i ran out of as soon as I found out. The last thing I want to do is relive that moment and until May 15, I must go every single week.

I have been leaning and my family and friends and God and I know with time we will all be OK. I just wish i didnt feel like i HAVE to be OK, starting tomorrow...

on a lighter note... Mom let me borrow her mink.

keep breathing,

we just celebrated Jason's life in the most beautiful and meaningful way possible. Thank you all who attended. It meant so much. I was terrified to go and to watch and most especially to speak but I thank God for the courage to step onto the stage with Brian and talk to my little brother once again. i said...

Jason…

I am standing here today with all of your friends to tell you how much we all love you. Billy Joel said “Only the good die young” and I guess he was right. You had one of the biggest hearts God ever made, and I think He gave it to you so you could share it will all of us. I hope you know there are hundreds of people here in this room right now- hundreds of lives you touched. Whether you were striking them out or pinning them to the mat, or helping them move into their apartment or pulling a prank on them, they are all here for you. We are all here because we love you.

Nobody is perfect. We all have our battles to fight and I’m so proud of you for never giving up. Some people say its not whether you win or lose but how you play the game…and you never quit the game, you never folded your hand, or waved the white flag. You fought- and you fought hard. and I hate it so much that you lost this fight. I hate it so much- but you were such a soldier along the way. You trusted in God and helped so many other people find their path, you were a leader and an inspiration. You changed lives and saved lives and made the life of someone like me worth living.

You will always be my charming, witty, talented, loving baby brother. And I know today is the last time I will get to see your body, but its not the last time I will see your heart or your life or your story. I think about you every day, please reach down and give me a hug soon and let me know you are ok. I will see you again one day, and we can eat all the buffalo wings you want.

i try to say goodbye and i choke
i try to walk away and i stumble
though i try to hide it, its clear
my world crumbles when you are not here



we let balloons go in his honor, each one carrying a special message from our hearts. The balloons will fly further and further and even though we can no longer see them, they still have their wings. So does he. We love you Jason. Rest in peace.

tomorrow.

i saw Jason tonight. at the viewing. and i lost it. I knew i was going to be upset, i knew i didnt want to see him and be forced to face reality but i did it. And honestly it was worse than i could have even imagined. He just laid there. holding his hands. eyes shut, with the air vent blowing above him, moving his shirt- like he was really breathing- like he would open his eyes at any second and jump out and yell GOTCHA. but it never happened. For nearly 3 hours tonight i greeted many friends and family who came to pay their respects and i even found myself discouraging many from even going into the room he was in. I have never ever ever faced something more difficult than staring at my little brother as he lay in his own coffin. and the worst part is I have to do it again tomorrow. then go to his funeral. then to his burial. I know last Tuesday night was hard and devestating and I thought nothing could compare to the moment I found out. but tonight compares, tomorrow morning will compare and there is quite a good chance that tomorrow afternoon will surpass the pain i have felt so far.

I am sitting here trying to decide if I am strong enough to speak at the funeral. to share with everyone what i loved so much about him. what i will miss about him. And i can do that so well here on this blog. But i don't know if i can do it tomorrow. speak when i want to cry. Share his life when i now want to die. I want to prepare something and have it with me just in case. maybe hold Brian's hand and attempt to take the stand. but i need the right words, i want it to be perfect. the very last time i will ever see my brother is tomorrow. the very last time i will ever get to talk to him face to face is tomorrow. i want it to be perfect.

im so scared.