His Beautiful Life

Friday, February 18, 2011

Broken

I don't know what it is about tonight, the weather, lack of sleep, or choice of tv, but tonight has certainly been the hardest night to get through in months. crying to the point where I had to cover my mouth with a pillow, then move rooms so I wouldn't wake anyone up. But I just need my little brother tonight. I need him every night. And I cant have him. And I have to go through this very same thought process, not just for a little while, but for forever. Every birthday, holiday, sunny day, rainy day, every day when I wear something I know you would think was crazy, every day when Kyler's name appears on my facebook news feed. And I don't mind when my eyes are swollen and burning from crying too hard for too long but I can't quit asking why I even have to be crying. Why do I even have to be missing you. Why do I even have to call your cell phone to hear your voice. Why cant I just talk to you? Why can't you talk back? Hug back? Be here? I still just don't see why. March 9 2010 was nearly a year ago. An entire year. And I think I probably saw you a year ago today. Or yesterday or tomorrow. You probably convinced dad into giving you some kind of date money for Valentines or a movie you and your house boys needed to see. And I remember March 9. So much so that I try to forget and I can't. And still I cant believe it's been almost a year. And on March 9 2011 we will say it's been 1 year and in 2012 it will have been 2 years and in 2013 it will have been 3. And the hardest part is thinking that we have to do this every year until I can't count anymore. You aren't coming back. No matter how many 11:11s I wish on or pennies I throw in a fountain. And I just still can't grasp that that is the truth. I still can't help but ask why?

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