His Beautiful Life

Saturday, March 10, 2012

The 'Anniversary'



There is this song, and whether or not it is about the loss of a loved one, that is how I hear it. Whether or not death even plays a roll in the lyrics, I feel as if it's written about just that. And as I put my iTunes on shuffle, ironically it was the first song to play.

When I am sad, I embrace it. I do not try to think happy thoughts or pre-occupy myself. I just allow myself to be sad, because in my case, I am usually not sad about much. Those moments of sadness make me feel real. The tears almost feel good. Reliving those memories make me thankful that they are even memories.

When I hear Snow by Sleeping at Last, I think to myself "yep... that's exactly right".
And then I remember, I am not the only one who has experienced this sadness.

The branches have traded
Their leaves for white sleeves
All warm blooded creatures make ghosts as they breathe
Scarves are wrapped tightly like gifts under trees

Christmas lights tangle in knots annually
All families huddle closely
Betting warmth against the cold
All the bruises seem to surface
Like mud beneath the snow

So we sing carols softly
As sweet as we know
A prayer that our burdens will lift as we go
Like young love still waiting under mistletoe
We'll welcome December with tireless hope

Let our bells keep on ringing
Making angels in the snow
And may the melody disarm us
When the cracks begin to show

Like the petals in our pockets
May we remember who we are
Unconditionally cared for 
By those who share our broken hearts


The table is set
And all glasses are full
The pieces go missing
May we still feel whole
We'll build new traditions in place of the old
Cause life without revision will silence our souls 


Let the bells keep on ringing
Making angels in the snow
And may the melody surround us
When the cracks begin to show

Like the petals in our pockets
May we remember who we are
Unconditionally cared for 
By those who share our broken hearts

As gentle as feathers
The snow piles high
Our world gets rewritten and retraced every time
Like fresh plates and clean slates
Our future is white

New Years resolutions are reset tonight


I love when it says "unconditionally cared for by those who share our broken hearts". What I notice about that phrase is something about myself. That through this tragedy I am now more understanding and able to offer compassion to others. That my experience, while unique to myself, is so similar to many other people. And on sad days, when you just need a good cry and to be alone, in all reality we aren't alone at all. 

Two full years have now passed since the loss of my brother, Jason. It's hard to believe. One year was hard to believe. And this 'anniversary' certainly has taken its toll on my family but as I compare myself and my thoughts now to last year I seem more OK. I am no less sad, I certainly do not miss him any less but no longer do I seem mad at the situation. It's as if I have found peace. Something I am so thankful for. 

People always say that time heals everything, and while I am not healed, I do feel like I have at least a bandage on the wound. 




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