My least favorite day of the year.. every year.

My least favorite day of the year.. every year.
March 9th.


When the last grain of sand fell
and the eyes forever shut.
When the lights turned dark for an eternity
and he was lifted up.
The day that seems so dark and cold
for those of us still here
Is the day that he was saved
and his slate wiped crystal clear.
It's hard to be thankful when it all just seems so sad
but everyday for forever now,
I know just where he's at.
I can close my eyes, squeeze them shut
see him running by.
Remember all of the days together
where we laughed and cried.
I can hear his voice singing those tunes
that still get stuck in my head
I can imagine him with his favorite friends
all of them in red.
I often wonder what today would be like
if only he was still here.
By my side on my wedding day
letting out a big cheer.
Or in his brothers corner,
so proud I know he'd be
To see his little guy
living out his dreams.
His truck still sits in the driveway.
His trophies still on display.
His pictures hang on the walls.
His presence never fades.
Every memory and every moment
each we hold so tight.
Because he got wings and soars the skies
now he watches over us every night.


Loving and missing you always.

The 'Anniversary'

There is this song, and whether or not it is about the loss of a loved one, that is how I hear it. Whether or not death even plays a roll in the lyrics, I feel as if it's written about just that. And as I put my iTunes on shuffle, ironically it was the first song to play.

When I am sad, I embrace it. I do not try to think happy thoughts or pre-occupy myself. I just allow myself to be sad, because in my case, I am usually not sad about much. Those moments of sadness make me feel real. The tears almost feel good. Reliving those memories make me thankful that they are even memories.

When I hear Snow by Sleeping at Last, I think to myself "yep... that's exactly right".

And then I remember, I am not the only one who has experienced this sadness.

The branches have traded
Their leaves for white sleeves
All warm blooded creatures make ghosts as they breathe
Scarves are wrapped tightly like gifts under trees

Christmas lights tangle in knots annually
All families huddle closely
Betting warmth against the cold
All the bruises seem to surface
Like mud beneath the snow

So we sing carols softly
As sweet as we know
A prayer that our burdens will lift as we go
Like young love still waiting under mistletoe
We'll welcome December with tireless hope

Let our bells keep on ringing
Making angels in the snow
And may the melody disarm us
When the cracks begin to show

Like the petals in our pockets
May we remember who we are
Unconditionally cared for 
By those who share our broken hearts

The table is set
And all glasses are full
The pieces go missing
May we still feel whole
We'll build new traditions in place of the old
Cause life without revision will silence our souls 

Let the bells keep on ringing
Making angels in the snow
And may the melody surround us
When the cracks begin to show

Like the petals in our pockets
May we remember who we are
Unconditionally cared for 
By those who share our broken hearts

As gentle as feathers
The snow piles high
Our world gets rewritten and retraced every time
Like fresh plates and clean slates
Our future is white
New Years resolutions are reset tonight

I love when it says "unconditionally cared for by those who share our broken hearts". What I notice about that phrase is something about myself. That through this tragedy I am now more understanding and able to offer compassion to others. That my experience, while unique to myself, is so similar to many other people. And on sad days, when you just need a good cry and to be alone, in all reality we aren't alone at all. 

Two full years have now passed since the loss of my brother, Jason. It's hard to believe. One year was hard to believe. And this 'anniversary' certainly has taken its toll on my family but as I compare myself and my thoughts now to last year I seem more OK. I am no less sad, I certainly do not miss him any less but no longer do I seem mad at the situation. It's as if I have found peace. Something I am so thankful for. 

People always say that time heals everything, and while I am not healed, I do feel like I have at least a bandage on the wound. 

We Don't Hang the Stockings

The worst part about the holiday's is not the traffic, or choosing what gifts to get, or trying to find time to see your entire family in one day. It is not the cold weather, or the often icey roads. It is the absence of the person you love so much you can do no more than cry when you think about spending yet another Christmas without them.

Last Christmas was my family's first without Jason. We managed to smile, and made it through. We put up a tree and opened presents. But we didn't hang the stockings. And this year, we seem stronger. Even if maybe we aren't. But still, we don't hang the stockings. And it wasn't until this very moment that I realized just why my mom didn't put them up- because that has always been the part of Christmas morning we look forward to most- but now I realize... and therefore, there are no stockings- and no more complaints. Because what do you do? Do you hang up his stocking or do you leave it in the box, alone while the others are displayed on the mantle? Would being forced to stare at that stocking bring comfort or even more heartache? I realize, it is not worth the test.

I cannot believe December is already ending. Another year passing by, and soon March will role around and mark the very day he left us 2 years prior. 2 years... wow.

Tomorrow I will attending the funeral of a sweet young girl's father who passed this last weekend. I will go to support her and love her the way so many people did for my family and I. I will hug her and remember the exact feeling she will be feeling. I will wipe her tears along with my own in hope that soon she will feel OK again. Next to me will be another young girl who lost her father in May. I'm sure I will hold her hand tightly as we both think of our missing person.

It is so strange that now as an adult, I have the role that I do to these young girls I love so much. I never thought I would have lost someone so special and I hate that they too must suffer that pain. One is 19 and the other just 15, and both now without their fathers. My heart will forever be broken, I just hate that theirs already is too.


Praying the Lord to grant us all peace this season, and the ability to rejoice more and mourn less.

Frederick

Yesterday was a beautiful day. The sun was out, the temperature was nice and I took a trip by myself to Maysville, Oklahoma to meet and bring home my newest best friend. His hair is curly and he is happy, fun, playful, cute and likes to sleep- All qualities Jason had as well. I was holding him and smiling so big and I thought, man... Jason would love you little one.

SO as I was driving home I was trying to come up with the perfect name for my sweet new friend. Then it hit me. What better way to walk with Jason all day every day than to name my dog after him. So "Frederick" is the name I chose. He goes by Freddy for short. And it is perfect.

Wonder

I wonder what you are doing up there, in the land so pure and beautiful. It is right where you belong. Right where you needed to be. And I do often hate how selfish I feel for wanting you here by my side because I know He needed you. But, so very often I end up pinching myself because it still doesn't seem like it can be real. Just yesterday a song was playing on the radio at a restaurant and I was overcome with sadness and disbelief. Yet, somehow I laughed at the jokes and smiled, trying not to cause discomfort to those I was with.

It is easier now, to talk about you and think about you, to see your photos and retrace those memories. but there are times, like now, when I just cannot believe it is true. I cannot believe that I never will physically see you again. I wonder what you would look like right now at 23 years old. Would you have found someone to love? Would you be living on your own? Where would you be working? I wonder if you would be finishing up school. If you still wanted to shop at the Buckle, or if Brian and his new fondness of preppy clothes would have rubbed off on you. I wonder if you would have gotten chubby like most guys do or if you would have found some young kids to show all of your wrestling secrets to.

When I google you... your obituary comes up. It is horrifying, but I will say you look handsome in your photo. However, I wish it was just your photo that came on the screen by its self. Unaccompanied by the tale of your short life.

I know for a fact if you were here with me right now you would be trying to get all of the single Thunder Girls phone numbers and asking me all kinds of crazy questions. You would be inviting me to lunch, then slyly pushing the check my direction. But I would pay for every single meal of yours forever if you were only here to eat them.

Lately I have been thinking of ways to get involved and provide some encouragement to people trying to better themselves from substance abuse problems. I think your story is so touching and I wish to share it. to help someone. to save some sister out there from losing her little brother. But I haven't figured out just how yet. But a pretty powerful opportunity presented its self to me just the other day, and I wonder if you sent it to me. A new age way of sharing the Gospel using my artistic talents. I spoke of you and how I turned to scripture to help me through the pain of losing you and I will now get to make a video telling that story through dance. And it has the possibility to be seen by nearly 20,000 people. And what I hope to share is that every one faces trials and tribulations and that we should do our absolute best to encourage our peers and help them overcome their demons. And it may not always work, but the effort, the decision to try is the one that matters most.

Everyday I think, If only I would have said this or done that or went there and called then, you might still be here next to me. I might not be writing these stories. I might not be crying these tears. But through all of this I have found strength in myself and also acceptance for others. I have learned to judge less and listen more. I have learned that I can be a resource for people effected by the loss of someone so important to them. I can show them ways to find joy in your salvation and while still feeling helpless and questioning, show that there is the ability to smile, to laugh, to remember without feeling guilty.

We threw dad a reunion party for all of his former teammates... your teammates. And it was so special to see all of the people who came. I could tell it really meant a lot to dad. And I could feel so much love for you the entire night. We are all so lucky to have loved you. and been loved by you. It has been 1 year and 2 days shy of 5 months, and Brian and I are doing really cool things. And I know there is not one new opportunity to arise without either of us wishing you were here to share it with.

I miss you more with each day. and love you even more than that. Still, I am so proud of you.
You are always on my mind and in my heart and always with us.

xoxo

The Lord is near the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalms 34:18

Broken

I don't know what it is about tonight, the weather, lack of sleep, or choice of tv, but tonight has certainly been the hardest night to get through in months. crying to the point where I had to cover my mouth with a pillow, then move rooms so I wouldn't wake anyone up. But I just need my little brother tonight. I need him every night. And I cant have him. And I have to go through this very same thought process, not just for a little while, but for forever. Every birthday, holiday, sunny day, rainy day, every day when I wear something I know you would think was crazy, every day when Kyler's name appears on my facebook news feed. And I don't mind when my eyes are swollen and burning from crying too hard for too long but I can't quit asking why I even have to be crying. Why do I even have to be missing you. Why do I even have to call your cell phone to hear your voice. Why cant I just talk to you? Why can't you talk back? Hug back? Be here? I still just don't see why. March 9 2010 was nearly a year ago. An entire year. And I think I probably saw you a year ago today. Or yesterday or tomorrow. You probably convinced dad into giving you some kind of date money for Valentines or a movie you and your house boys needed to see. And I remember March 9. So much so that I try to forget and I can't. And still I cant believe it's been almost a year. And on March 9 2011 we will say it's been 1 year and in 2012 it will have been 2 years and in 2013 it will have been 3. And the hardest part is thinking that we have to do this every year until I can't count anymore. You aren't coming back. No matter how many 11:11s I wish on or pennies I throw in a fountain. And I just still can't grasp that that is the truth. I still can't help but ask why?

changing.

About a month ago I checked my email like I normally do every hour or so, but this day my inbox had a special message waiting for me. A girl stumbled across my blog and decided to message me. She hadn't lost her brother like I had, but instead she had two brothers currently alive and healthy. She just wanted to let me know that I had touched her to point the she wanted to be a better sister. To be able to make the most of the moments she can still have to spend with her brothers and family because like most of us do, she had been taking for granted the fact they live so close to one another and rarely see each other. Sometimes a phone call of text message is just not enough.

I haven't made a blog post in quite some time but this email gave me some inspiration to document more of my coping. And missing and loving and tears. of joy and of pain.

Thanksgiving is this week and Christmas just around the corner. This is a special time of year for our family. A time where we are all together and even though we may not be doing anything more than playing with our dogs or watching a christmas movie our parents are forcing us to sit through, its a time we all could count on and look forward to each year.

This year will be the first of many very different and difficult holidays to come. Playing cards at Papa Sue and Papa Clayton's house will always be a moment when i can picture Jason sitting on a chair at the corner of the table, cracking jokes and smiling and trying to beat everyone to a Jubile. And when papa Clayton lets all of us grandkids play for all of his money, I don't think i will even want to compete.

I thought you might be lonely, so dad and I brought fall festivities to you out by the water. Im sure your pumpkin is spoiled by now and your flowers dead, but I know you and Smokey can plug your noses and just laugh. I am still so overcome with sadness. And miss you entirely too much for my heart to handle. And even though its now nearly December, my memories with and of you have only grown stronger.


I have so many things to tell you and show you and so many places I wish i could take you. And One day... we will do it all. I know it.

More posts to come.